Day Eighty-Five


I feel I did not accomplish much the past few days. Although if I look back the schedule I made up for this month I am not awfully off the track except a few things I still have to have done before next week. I am not falling out of it but I lack in sense of accomplishment. The problem for me now is that, because my motivations have been to satisfy my own curiosities and to see if I can actually make things I have never made before, it becomes a technique and time challenge which once I have accomplished does not hold the same meanings any more. I finish making and then, now what? I need to train my idea muscles to set out a bigger goal. Fantasy and Nightmare project is now in the third phase. The first phase was where I was looking for my ability to see the positive side. The second phase came when I realized I was more interested in experiencing the strange and unfamiliar things than comfortable things. And then I came across another thought - I was talking to my friend about these and she said it's a nightmare because the fantasy came true. This is true. As soon as fantasy becomes a reality there is nothing left for me to dream. So I dream the next. When people say it's the process and the journey, not what you get at the end that is important, I have not been able to fully agree because the statement seemed to devalue the achieved goal. I thought we say this because if we don't learn to enjoy the journey it will be terribly unpleasant along the way; in order for me to get what I want, I need to learn to apppreciate the process. But now I have a new thought: it is only in the journey where fantasy and dream live. Nightmare is when one achieves the goal where dream stops living. If I dream big, I get to live in the fantasy longer.